Mo (whitebelladonna) wrote,
Mo
whitebelladonna

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It's been so long...

So here i am again...and nothing matters...i feel like i am fucking up so bad...my mother is being civil...but she still won't give me a break...i want to move into the trailer but i don't know if i have enough money to pay the rent...i'm trying too hard...i know...i'm trying to hard and getting no where...i'm saying fuck college...i'm saying fuck being someone...i'm saying give up on your dreams and survive...survive this...survive your job...survive living somewhere of your own...survive trying to make sure everyone else's needs are met when you know that you are only satisfying your own...and the only thing you want is a schedule...a set schedule so that you can get everything done...job...rent...payments...friends...priorities...romance...
personal time...noble...
and she's standing there...not talking to me...resenting me for something...something unknown to me...but if i could solve that puzzle and if i could open pandora's box, of sorts, i could fix things...if she would come with me...at least once in a while...but we were closer when we were farther apart...and that sux...i try...but i am a bitch and i can't work with what i have...and i don't know what i can do for anything or anyone...it's over and i am still alive...maybe i can live with that...and maybe in a week i will have money and a schedule...and be truly happy...

list of things to make me happy...
1. Enough money to support me and whoever else i drag into this...
2. A schedule so that i can take care of everything
3. Maybe a good relationship
4. A place to live
5. Paid off my car
6. Change my oil of my car

but now i have to go...have fun...you know i will
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